"He who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality, and will never, therefore, make any progress."
Anwar Sadat
"Every human being relies on and is bounded by his knowledge and experience to live. This is what we call "reality." However, knowledge and experience are ambiguous, thus reality can become illusion. Is it not possible to think that, all human beings are living in their assumptions?"
Itachi Uchiha
This post is different than my usual posts about newborn babies, cute little kids, the beauty of the weather or joyous family gatherings. On a blog where my primary goal is to display the work I love to do with my camera, knowing how vulnerable to be, knowing just how far to pull back the curtains is a tricky dance. Maybe you won't like what I have to say. Maybe it will sound like a sob story. Maybe I will come across as weak and disempowered. But the urge to share about my journey in the hopes that it may encourage even just one other soul overpowers the desire to hide and live behind my facade. And the question still may arise: does something so personal, so raw and so real, belong between photos that are aiming to capture the most effervescent and joyous of life's moments? And I answer with a resounding, YES! Of course. Because these are life's moments just as much as those. And while they may produce a different set of emotions, they are just as valid and just as integral to my life journey. And I'm happy to say that I am entering into a place of deep rooted security in which I can say: if this is not your cup of tea and you are not particularly drawn to me, or even if you think I am needy and pathetic, that is OK!
I woke up one morning and realized that I had allowed everything that I loved about life and the pure joy of being alive to be stripped away because of the choice I made to believe lies regarding what my reality was and would be. As a result, my world started to reflect my ill-notioned beliefs and I became emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally worn down and ill. I lost myself.
I had no idea who I was, what I wanted to give to life, what I wanted to receive from life and what that could even look like. I had been completely submerged and nearly drowning in the broken reality I had created for myself. It took several panic attacks per day - and facing the potential danger that comes along with powering through those while driving to and from work - for me to realize that I could no longer sustain the soul crushing path I had been walking.
I had no idea who I was, what I wanted to give to life, what I wanted to receive from life and what that could even look like. I had been completely submerged and nearly drowning in the broken reality I had created for myself. It took several panic attacks per day - and facing the potential danger that comes along with powering through those while driving to and from work - for me to realize that I could no longer sustain the soul crushing path I had been walking.
My perfectionist nature combined with lofty idealism set me in a trap with a ticking time bomb chained to my ankle. But I lived in a place called denial. A place of danger.
You see, for most of my life I have lived believing that I needed to perform. I needed to make my parents, teachers, and friends like me by being the best child, student and friend. By being the smartest. By being the prettiest. By being the funniest. By being the most beautiful or the most fashionable. By working the hardest. By being the most polite or the most respectful. Simply, by being perfect. Translated into adulthood and into marriage, my need to please and impress became a need to prove to everyone that I could not only survive being the wife of a medical student and being the sole income earner - even if for just a handful of years - but that I would do it well. People would be impressed. They would pat me on the back and say, "I don't know how you're doing this." Mentally, I would think, "I don't know either, but I might have you fooled and you seem to be impressed by me so I can add that to my notebook of Ways I Achieve Validation Through Impressing Others." The more I struggled to walk down this path, the heavier my burden became. Until, truly, I could no longer carry it.
Through this series of events, I have been led me to leave my job. I toyed around with that idea in the past but of course that was the "irresponsible" thing to do. Besides, what American in their right mind leaves a well paying job with health insurance and retirement benefits - with absolutely no plans other than to rest? In the privacy of our own home, I offered it as a threat to my husband when I was struggling. A way to force him to acknowledge that I was the one making his dreams a possibility. A way to force him to validate me and give me a (false) sense of worth. There were some low blows. Some nasty words that, in retrospect, I wish with my whole being that I could have left unspoken. But when your heart is suffering on such an elementary level, the words coming out of your mouth are going to be rooted in that pain and suffering. Leaving my job, and with it, the false sense that it was my (and only my) responsibility to assume THE provisionary role is not necessarily the first step but it is a monumental leap of faith in my healing journey.
"Everything has to stop at some time in order to keep going. A pause in life's journey does not mean that nothing is happening. In reality, it is a divine opportunity to be present and catch up with all that is going on."
Iyanla Vanzant
Now that I have taken that step, I am being bombarded with affirmations and truth about the importance of rest. The importance of giving our soul a chance to catch up. The importance of pursuing that which makes our soul come alive (as opposed to rooting our identity in being the one who provides what is "necessary" for someone else's soul to come alive). I have not truly known where I would thrive. And being American, that translates into the question, "What work environment would I come alive in?" I have toyed with the idea of pursuing photography but have not felt that I possessed the talent necessary or that it was a valid and worthy pursuit. Would others judge me? Would I be using enough of my intelligence? Is it okay to have a degree from UVa and be a photographer? Am I allowed to be happy in my job? These are questions that I have asked myself, over and over. These are questions that I have repeatedly answered with, "absolutely not!" and continued on my path, in my unhealthy way.
Compassion runs deep. I have always had a strong desire to help people. I even tried that - for three years - while working at a non-profit whose mission was to give victims of domestic and sexual violence a second chance on life. At that job, the capacity in which I was working was not a good fit. I did the work and I did it well but I was miserable. But I didn't know I was miserable - I just thought I wasn't trying hard enough. I thought I wasn't good enough as an employee and co-worker. The depression that I have struggled with since my teens became heavy and it stayed with me, like a thick, persistent fog. My desire to create was squelched by putting my entire life energy in to surviving from one day to the next. From that experience, I only became more deeply rooted in the false beliefs that my validation was directly related to whether or not people were impressed by the quality of my work and my ability to please everyone around me. I began to believe that maybe not even helping people would give me any sense of fulfillment.
I am Life and Light in abundance. As you spend time soaking in My Presence, you are energized and lightened. Through communing with Me, you transfer your heavy burdents to My strong shoulders. By gazing at Me, you gain My perspective on your life. This time alone with Me is essential for unscrambling your thoughts and smoothing out the day before You. Delight yourself in Me, for I am the deepest Desire of your heart.
Jesus Calling
Compassion runs deep. I have always had a strong desire to help people. I even tried that - for three years - while working at a non-profit whose mission was to give victims of domestic and sexual violence a second chance on life. At that job, the capacity in which I was working was not a good fit. I did the work and I did it well but I was miserable. But I didn't know I was miserable - I just thought I wasn't trying hard enough. I thought I wasn't good enough as an employee and co-worker. The depression that I have struggled with since my teens became heavy and it stayed with me, like a thick, persistent fog. My desire to create was squelched by putting my entire life energy in to surviving from one day to the next. From that experience, I only became more deeply rooted in the false beliefs that my validation was directly related to whether or not people were impressed by the quality of my work and my ability to please everyone around me. I began to believe that maybe not even helping people would give me any sense of fulfillment.
I am Life and Light in abundance. As you spend time soaking in My Presence, you are energized and lightened. Through communing with Me, you transfer your heavy burdents to My strong shoulders. By gazing at Me, you gain My perspective on your life. This time alone with Me is essential for unscrambling your thoughts and smoothing out the day before You. Delight yourself in Me, for I am the deepest Desire of your heart.
Jesus Calling
Throughout the past few weeks, I have begun to have visions and dreams of faces. Children's faces with dirt streaked across their cheeks. Bellies protruding from hunger and clothes worn like rags. An elderly woman whose face is wrinkled by the sun, eyes beady and bright. People whose stories need to be told to those who will listen and act. As I behold the details of their features, I am overwhelmed with desire to be the person who captures the stories in these faces and shares them. Everything within me is moving toward forging a path to make these visions and dreams I am having come to life.
In following this path, I have suddenly found myself with a plane ticket to the Dominican Republic to accompany a medical group from July 18th - July 25th. I will be taking my camera and my mission is to give expression to the lives of the Dominicans, to bring awareness to their needs and their stories through photographs and words. Deep down, I have the sense that on this trip, the spark deep within my soul will be ignited and I may start to understand what it is to have a healthy passion about doing and being. I wouldn't be surprised if this trip is the first of many, in which I get to be the one who tells the story.
Will you step alongside me? Will you be an integral part of making my visions and dreams come to life by helping me offset the financial cost of this first trip? If so, you can make a contribution by clicking here.
So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well.
Philippians 1:9-10